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Application for head of Astronaut Division

Mon, 06 Sep 2010 17:27:47 +0000

On my regular tour of the internet the other day and I stumbled across, still not quite sure how, the recruitment page for the European Space Agency (ESA). They had a position which was of interest to me…..

“Head of Astronaut Division”

The job spec, which you can read for yourself here, wanted someone with quite specific skills and experience.

After almost no consideration I decided that I was the best man for the job and sent in my application………

Dear sir,

I am writing to apply for the position of ‘Head of Astronaut Division’ at the European Space Agency (ESA).

I have read through your list of qualifications and despite not fulfilling each to the nth degree, I think you`ll find what I have to offer both inspiring and not a little frightening.

The job specification states that the suitable applicant should have ‘experience of being an astronaut and familiarity with space vehicles’. I am the first to admit that I don’t quite fulfil all these requirements, however when I was younger I was able to draw a canny resemblance to the TARDIS from Doctor Who using just my Etch a Sketch. More recently I have acquired a 3D television. I`m not sure if you have had the privilege of using such a device, but I can assure you that while I was watching an episode of Battlestar Galactica in 3D mode the experience made it feel like I was totally in outer space.

I also own a plethora of space based science fiction television programs and movies on DVD. I am a particular fan of the show with the cyborg girl who, if you`ll pardon the expression, looks rockin’ in that tight fitting spandex suit.

As regards the other qualifications. I`m pleased to inform you that I do indeed have a degree in a science related discipline, I let myself down though with your desire for a candidate who also possesses a law degree or law related experience. I do hope though you will take into account my extensive experience with the law gained while battling with USA immigration officials over their reluctance to renew my working visa some years ago. If this experience is considered not enough in-depth, I could call upon my former colleague Ed, who had rather more experience than myself in this situation. Ed became rather too familiar at one stage with US immigration officials, once nearly being given the full rubber glove treatment.

I feel though that the ‘disorientation training’ would not be required if I was successful in my application seeing as I spent most of my student life training for such circumstances. Evidence of said training can be obtained from any number of closed circuit television cameras located in most bars and clubs around the United Kingdom and indeed most of Europe.

Whilst not explicitly stated on the post requirements, I feel it fitting to inform you that I used to be a mean shot down the local laser quest and paintball center. A quality which may well come in handy should any hostile alien life forms be encountered.

Given my experiences shown above I think you`ll agree that my application offers a unique blend of insight, brevity and enthusiasm that while perhaps not ticking all the boxes will certainly provide you with food for thought.

I eagerly look forward to your response.

Yours faithfully

‘Amazing’ Atkins

I think I`ll do alright.

4D TV!!

Wed, 18 Aug 2010 10:28:43 +0000

Very recently I celebrated my first anniversary of living in Belgium. Well, celebrated might not be the right word. I became vaguely aware of the special date while complaining to a colleague about the terrible summer weather we are having at present and comparing it to the blazing temperatures we enjoyed this time last year …… wow really ….. this time last year.

That was about as far as the celebrating went.

Actually, thats not the whole truth.

Because I marked the occasion (without actually realising it) by buying myself a TV.

Yes, I have been living here for over a year without a TV, something which seems to confuse most people. I never really needed one you see, but one day I just woke up and decided I needed one - I`m changeable like that, which is one of the reasons why I`m so fascinating.

So I bought the biggest and best TV I could find. A 46inch 3D LED TV from Samsung.

And I have to say I am very impressed.

It even has a real time 2D to 3D engine built in to convert regular 2D input from DVDs and TV signals into 3D output.

Although I suspect that my TV is a step up from 3D - I think mine is 4D!

Because the other day when I was watching a programme and water appeared to shoot out from the screen - I actually felt it fall on my head.

Amazing.

Then it happened again.

and again.

Even when there was no water on the TV screen.

Uh oh.

Yes indeed - during the heaviest rain storm of the year so far my roof developed a leak.

The real problem was communicating this to my landlord, over the phone, who only speaks French.

Sadly, as yet some of my French pronunciatoin is not quite on the nail.

Instead of saying “J`ai un fuit du toit” - “I`ve got a leaking roof", I said “J`ai un fruit du toit” - which sounds very similar, unfortunately though this means “I have fruit hanging from my roof".

The silence on the phone was deafening.

This guy must have thought I had bananas growing through the ceiling.

But anyway he said he would come around and fix it.

It`ll be interesting to see if he brings spare roof tiles or some ice cream to make a banana split.

Chilled Red Wine

Sun, 11 Jul 2010 15:12:10 +0000

I love red wine. I have something close to 100 bottles in my wine racks downstairs. I like wines of all kinds; I love wines from the Rhone region such as Gigondas, Chateauneuf du pape, St Joseph, Hermitage as they are made mostly from Syrah or Grenache grapes. I`m also happy with a bottle from any of the Bordeaux regions which are made up of a blend of 1 or more of the 6 ‘Bordeaux ‘ grapes (Cabernet Sauvignon, Cabernet Franc, Merlot, Petit Verdot, Malbec and Carm�n�re) …. although I`d never ever drink a bottle of pure Merlot. I love Italian wine whether it be a Sangiovese based Chianti or the amazing Amarone. And of course there is nothing like a good rich Californian Zinfandel.

I love pretty much everything.

Apart from ANY white wine.

Quite frankly I just don’t see the point. You might as well be drinking grape juice.

Which leaves me with something of a problem when the weather is as hot as its been over the past month or so. A nice cool glass of wine, on the balcony overlooking the pond would be amazing. But red wine is supposed to be ‘warm’.

Or so I thought until last Friday.

In my usual wine store chatting with the local wine supplier. I told him my problem. He thought about it for a moment then asked me a question:

“What are the 3 grapes used in Champagne?”

I replied immediately: “Pinot Noir, Pinot Meunier and Chardonnay". - I took a moment to mentally congratulate myself.

“And what temperature do you serve Champagne?”

“Chilled!” I beamed, delighted.

……………

Then it hit me.

Pinot Noir and Pinot Meunier although black skinned are used in Champagne because they have a white juice, but when using them to make wine the tannins turn the juice into a red wine.

The wine supplier continued. “So why don’t you chill a bottle of Pinot Noir and see how that tastes".

After thinking about it and still being slightly reluctant I`ve decided to give it a try.

All I need now is a cheap bottle of Pinot Noir.

Of course I don’t buy cheap wine.

Luckily however, my dad does.

And he left a bottle of Pinot Noir here last time.

So its going straight into my fridge.

Then down the drain if it turns out as badly as I suspect it might.

Les feux de St Jean

Wed, 30 Jun 2010 19:48:23 +0000

Slowly I`ll start catching up on things I`ve done over the past few months … promise.

Last weekend was the annual Les feux de St Jean here in Mons. I had no idea what it was all about, even when I arrived, just some guy from work told me that there would be ‘a parade in town on Saturday to burn Joan of Arc’, yes indeed that is exactly what he told me. I was a little sceptical, but thought as it was going to be a nice day I`m go along to the town centre anyway/

Starting out with a couple of beers in the Grand Place we headed for a nice meal in the always excellent la table du boucher.

Then the festivities began. After some research I discovered that les feux de st jean (The fires of St Jean) is a Catalan festival which kind of made sense from the giant tent things:

Then people came around selling torches that were giant candles.

By this point there must have been well over a thousand perhaps several thousand people in the town centre all walking down the main street with their burning torches. It was like a ancient witch hunt, particularly after the torches had burned for long enough for them to resemble burning crosses.

Finally after walking a good mile or so we ended up at the end of the parade where there was a giant bonfire which people were encouraged to throw their torches into.

It was a full party atmosphere with beer tents all around and the place was still bustling with people getting on to midnight when we had to leave as getting a taxi in Mons is nearly impossible late at night.

On the way home I thought about how a parade like that with thousands of people holding burning torches in a confined space and people dressed as giant tents in the middle of it all after everyone had had a good dozen strong beers would never ever be allowed in America. You`d have to use flashlight torches, or have 2 or 3 people with regular sized candles at the front of the parade just as a symbolic gesture. As for the giant bonfire, you would not be allowed 500 feet from it.

I doubt you`d even be allowed it in the UK.

Perhaps only in Belgium.

Sunday was much quieter - I cant really remember what I did, I have a vague memory of watching a horror film involving 11 Germans and 11 Englishmen, but that was HORRIBLE and surely on a terrible nightmare.

Surely!

Accidental Hero

Sun, 30 May 2010 12:39:08 +0000

Its been a while.

To be fair though I have been pretty busy this last couple of months. I`ve been playing tug of war at work - unfortunately I have been used as the rope. I was in Florida for a couple of weeks, I`ve been attacked by a snake etc etc etc.

I hope to catch up on these posts at some point in the future.

But for today I`m going to describe how I almost became a member of NATO Special Forces, by accident.

A couple of weeks ago posters started appearing at work that said something along the lines of “Special Forces Briefings’ and the dates they were being held on. So I thought I`d go along and see what they were all about. Unable to make the first 2 I was determined to get along to the final briefing on the Friday afternoon.

I too my colleague Graeme along, and we were the only 2 that showed up.

Standing outside the room where the briefing was going to be held we started joking around. Graeme said something like ‘wouldn’t it be hilarious if this turned out to be a Special Forces Recruitment meeting instead?’.

We both laughed.

And then stopped laughing when I read the schedule for the briefing room on the door:

Friday 14th May 2010, 11:00am - 13:00pm Special Forces Recruitment.

My jaw fell open just as a huge fella with a pixelated face turned the corner and made straight for us.

Being a coward, I made up some excuse that I just remembered I had something to do, but that I was definitely interested and asked the guy to email me with details. I hoped he wouldn’t. But then just a few days later I received this email in my inbox…

If you would like, I have briefings on xxxxx this week at BLDG 30 in
the auditorium at 1700 on Tuesday and Wednesday. If you cannot attend
those briefings, its ok, just give me your name, rank, GT score and we
will get you the information you need to go to class if you qualify.
Also, where do you work, I can come by and see you this week at your
location, office or whatever and we can talk face to face. Let me know.

SFC xxxx
Special Forces Recruiting

If you think there is anyway at all I`m giving this guy my office details, you`ve another thing coming.

Thats all I need - to join the SAS by accident, but then ‘Accidental Hero’, does have something of a ring to it.