Yesterday was the day I should have left the USA. I flew back to the US 3 months ago and that is as long as they gave me on my I94 when I went through customs. My final day to leave the country was 28th April 2008. I still don’t have a new visa.

The only reason I`m still here is that we filed for an extension to my current I94 which is still pending. The rules state that as long as your case is being reviewed then you are good to stay. The thing is that they could easily reject my application to extend my stay at any moment and kick me out the country within hours.

All this time I`m waiting on my new visa.

Things could get interesting. Perhaps I`ll be woken in the night by FBI agents bursting into my apartment and forcing me into an orange jump suit and packing me off to Guantanamo.

Blog updates might have to be on hold if that happens.

In other news yesterday I went to test ride my new bike, the Giant FCR 3.

I wanted to put the model through its paces before I parted with any cash. Yesterday I tried it out for speed and stopping ability.

So I turned up at the track at the shop where I was going to buy the bike, threw the beast into top gear and pedaled like a mentalist getting to a speed up to about 35 mph.

Time to test the brakes, about 15 feet from the shop wall.

It turns out that the brakes are awesome and the bike stopped almost immediately.

I did not.

I went flying over the top of the handlebars somersaulted and landed head long into the bricked up wall.

The bike was a mess too. Chain off gears mashed bars bent out of shape.

Good job no-one was there to see it.

I think next time I`ll squeeze the brakes a bit more gently rather than just grabbing them full power.

Probably .

For a country that is still harping on about Janet Jackson’s ‘wardrobe malfunction’ back in 2004 there are an awful lot of strip clubs here in California.

I have made it my personal mission to frequent each and every one of them and rate them accordingly and if last Saturday night is anything to go by, then there will have to be an awful shocker coming up to take the prize of ‘worst strip club’ in California and quite possibly the world too.

I`m talking about ‘California girls’

To be fair, I had been warned about this particular strip club before, and in particular about one of the dancers there – ‘Devon’.

Yes – she was pretty much the size of Devon.

I turned up, sat down and she was there on stage flapping about the place. I didn’t see any dollar bills on stage waiting for her to collect at the end of the show, but that did not deter Devon – oh no, she went off in search of her pay check.

No sooner had I sat down but she came up beside me and asked – ‘So did you like my show’

Panic

‘er, er, no, I mean, well, I don’t know, I`ve only just arrived’

Her smile turned to a frown, yet she said nothing.

Just stood there not moving.

She was ignoring me, ignoring her.

She wanted money.

Eventaully I caved and handed over a dollar, more in hope that if I did that she would not go up on stage again.

This wish of mine lasted the time it took me to finish my bottle of Corona.

Then she was up again, and so was I, right out the door and off to the safety of downtown Fullerton.

Next weekend we`ll hopefully pick a better place.

The bar has been set very low indeed.

I spent the recent 4th July, Independence Day / Good riddance day, down in San Diego.

Once again the morons were out in force. After initially asking me for the millionth time if I come from Australia (allegedly because I say the word ‘mate’ quite often), they then ask me if we celebrate Independence Day in the UK.

I normally just respond with the usual – yeah, but we call it good riddance day in the UK, which prompts a mixture of emotions from people. Some laugh, some cry, some look confused, and one guy looked like he was literally covered in bees.

This year however I continued my story.

“You know we`ve only lent this country back to you, don’t you? I mean, one day the mighty British Empire will rise again and claim back what is rightfully ours”

This last bit usually resulted in confusion and panic.

The thing is, I`m fairly certain it wouldn’t be too hard to claim back the US anyway. I`ve seen the state of most of the so called ‘US armed forces’ and quite frankly I think even your average UK citizen is fitter.

I think all we`d need to do to claim back this land is stand on the beeches here in California and throw donuts and muffins into the ocean. I`m fairly certain all the army boys would throw themselves in afterwards leaving the country unguarded and ripe for the picking.

I think I might try that next week.