Saturday left me in a whole world of pain.

I had a 3 hour Muay Thai training session with Michael Dicks, considered by many to be the greatest pound for pound fighters ever to come out of the UK.

For those of you not familiar with Michael’s work, here he is in action.

Somehow the 2 hour session lasted for just under 3 and left me with bruises, scrapes and gashes all over my body.

This was very nearly a broken shin.

and this is just a small idea of what the rest of me looks like at the moment, although Michael kept calling me Billy Idol.

So the rest of the weekend was pretty much a write off as I spent it either sleeping or in the bath.

My gym session on Sunday was not the greatest I have to admit.

Seriously though the session with Michael was awesome. Just slight alterations in my technique from tings he suggested really made a big difference. Cant wait to give some of the moves a go later in the week.

This week one of my colleagues has been sent out to Azerbaijan to do a product demonstration to the president of Azerbaijan. No pressure there then.

According to the font of all my knowledge, Azerbaijan is the most economically deprived country in the EC. Add to this the fact that the product he is demonstrating will force the population of Az to pay for their electricity, something which they currently do not do. Plus the fact that, according to the Ministry of Defence website, parts of Azerbaijan should be avoided at all costs, which is the same level of warning given to Iraq and Afghanistan, I think there is a strong chance that I may not see Si again anytime soon, unless its on youtube.

We have started taking bets in the office on whether Si is likely to get shot or kidnapped ….. or both.

Anyway, I did a bit more digging and it turns out that there are some advantages to living in Az. Just take a look at this news report showing the latest winner of the Azerbaijan beauty queen contest.

Go for it Si! You’re in for a shocker!

Last weekend my parents were up here to celebrate my mum’s 60th birthday.

It was a top weekend with much drinking and eating at the always excellent Vittoria Restaurant.

They remembered to bring up my remote control K9.

Which is good because I now make him fight with my remote control Dalek.

Today was a bad day.

Left work promptly at 4:30pm and ran straight to the nearest pub. Ordered a double glenmorangie and downed it even before the barman had come back with my change. No, I`m not an alcoholic, this one was medicinal, because I was heading straight over to the gym ……. to get waxed.

Now, I`ll just say this …. I`ve been waxed once before, about 6 months ago. The girl that did it took 1 and a half hours, cried throughout the procedure and then resigned straight after. It was that kind of experience.

Today was different. The girl doing the waxing was obviously in a rush because she had it done in 25 minutes flat.

No pictures to show I`m afraid, but if you want to see what I look like, then its something like this:

Only I`m better looking and fitter.

Notice how this post is bit on the short side - thats because I`m just about to jump into a bath full of ice.

The things I do to entertain you lot.

I`ve been on a bit of a roll recently, you know with me beating up girls and making girls cry, so I thought I`d continue that trend and combine it with my dislike of the weak and worthless gym scum.

Today in the changing rooms at the gym I`m there doing my “get ready to go rip up the gym” face in the mirror getting ready to get up there and show the weeds how its done, then I charge out of the changing room smashing the door open ………

…… and into someone’s face.

Result!

Could not have timed it better.

The lad hit the deck, but slowly crawled his way into the changing room.

Best get in a few insults before he gets away.

“Ha ha ha!!!! Weedy gym scum!!!!! Remember I am fit …… you are not!!!!!”

He knows the score now.

Dont mess with the grinch.

Forgetting your anniversary is never a good thing, especially if its today and its me that has done the forgetting bit.

Yes today was Fiona and my 5th anniversary together …. and I kinda didn’t remember. Its ok though, being something of a ladies man I smoothed it all over with a bit of Snowy love, so its all good. Being this male gigolo is pretty hard and I understand that some of you boys out there are not as not as fortunate as myself so I thought I`d share with you some pearly words of wisdom I`ve come to learn over the years.

1 - Girls dont like flowers that smell of Castrol GTX, they like flowers that smell of roses and petals, so don’t get your flowers from the local petrol shop ….. get ‘em free from the cemetery … fresh and cheap …. its not every day that you come across a tip that is both romantic and thrifty.

2 - If a girl does break up with you that you having been dying to break up with for some time, dont shout “YYYYYyyyyyeeeeeeeee hhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaa” and punch the air straight after. That one got a bit nasty.

3 - If a girl breaks up with you dont immediately go and pull her best mate (serious danger there).

4 - Dont use the famous “How you doin’?” line on your current girlfriends mates moments after they’ve been introduced to you for the first time, no matter how hot they are. Wait for everyone else to leave the room before you deliver the killer line.

5 - Never ever ever ever ever use the phrase “Dont you know who I am?” if you have just been knocked back by a lady.

6 - Dont buy ‘em too many gifts when you first start dating, it only gives them unrealistic expectations for the remainder of the journey

7 - Never compare the intimate hairs on a lady to that of a brillo pad, no matter how much pain you might be in — very serious danger is on the horizon if you do.

Follow these simple steps and I`m sure you`ll do alright

Since being made best man by the dude Chris, not being one to take such things lightly I have started to research the role , and quite frankly, I wish now that I hadn’t bothered. Looks a bit scary. According to the how to guide I need to do loads of random stuff.

The role of the best man is pivotal in making the wedding day a success. Whether the occasion is formal or informal, there are arrangements to be made, rituals to be observed, courtesies to be extended, and the groom’s hand to be held.

Bo**ox! Off to a bad one. Pivotal in the wedding you say. I thought it would be a right old knees up followed by the famous “how you doin?” to the chief bridesmaid. Oh well, moving on…..

Get immediate confirmation. Ask the groom what he expects of you, and do this as soon as he names you his best man. Write down what he says. Later you may be glad you did so. At the same time, you could agree `who does what’ and line up all the other participants, including the bride’s father and the ushers or groomsmen.

What? You have got to be kidding me right? This boy Chris got engaged 18 months ago and he only decided on his best man just last Saturday. He cannot expect too much can he? And you have to be taking the p*ss if you think I`m gonna write down what he says.

Later you may be glad you did so

I doubt it - that kind of thing can be used as evidence.

Agree terms. Tell the groom (and bride!) when they may contact you. As the day approaches, they will fret about arrangements and they may even have occasional doubts. Let them know if you can be contacted day or night, and set the boundaries in advance, otherwise irritations could occur. That is when you’ll be glad you agreed who does what in advance.

Easy this one

“Agree terms”

mine.

” Let them know if you can be contacted day or night”

day

“and set the boundaries in advance”

£100 call out fee.

Stag party. If the groom wants a Stag party (or agrees to have one), you should be the one to arrange it. It should be an occasion when he and his mates have fun, and you may even embarrass him a little. But please don’t do anything that will cause lasting regret, and make sure you arrange for him to get home safely afterwards. Remember, what you and the boys find hilarious may not have quite the same appeal to his bride in the cold light of day.

Now your talking my language.

and you may even embarrass him a little

Bring it on!!!!

Remember, what you and the boys find hilarious may not have quite the same appeal to his bride in the cold light of day

Ah so what – tomorrow is another day.

Catering. As best man you will have no direct responsibility for the catering. ……..’Which one is the vegetarian?’

No problem. Creme Brulee for everyone.

‘Which one is the vegetarian

He’s the one that aint gettin’ no food.

Transport. You will need to arrange transport for people to get to and from the church or registry office (especially for the elderly), and for the bride and groom to leave for their honeymoon. If you are hiring a car or cars, make sure you have the agreement in writing, and that the car hire company has, in writing, the schedule for the day. Check whether other key people will need transport on the day, remembering that they will be drinking and may not want to drive. Find out what parking arrangements exist for guests and plan to include them with the wedding invitations, preferably with a map.

Er! I`ll buy a bunch of day saver bus passes for everyone.

Top. Got it sorted. All set nothing to worry about now ….. just got a speech to write.

Its been a top weekend so far. Spent yesterday through at a friends place in Livingston. Watched the mighty mighty England crush weedy weedy Scotland in the rugby and the on for a curry at Khushis. Excellent sweet and sour curry. Very much recommended.

Anyway, something interesting also happened yesterday. I was officially asked to be the best man for my beset mate’s wedding which is in June.

Should be one hell of a bash.

I have already been practicing my speech. Have a listen and see what you think.

So the calories have been burned, the scored added up badly, and the losers been suitably humiliated. Yes the Bannatynes calorie count challenge results for the Edinburgh branch are in.

And I`m in second place. Col came first, but then he is far older than I am and needs the calories to fund his pie eating habits, so second is alright considering that I was 6000 clear of 3rd place and 16,000 clear of the loser in fourth.

So, after seeing the results posted in giant letters on the wall I decided to give some words of encouragement to the gym folk.

I took the microphone to the PA system and addressed the entire 4 floors of the gym:

“Listen up losers!! Listen up good!!! I am fit …… you are not!!”

On a roll so I continued.

“You are wasting your time and money. You will never be as sexy as the Grinch!”

Before concluding.

“Remember, I am fit …. you are weak and worthless!!!”

Tell you what …. a career in PR awaits.