Well, Christmas is going well …. eating and drinking far too much which means I`ll have my work cut out to get to the top of the Bannatynes calorie count leader board. When I left Edinburgh for Christmas I was comfortably in second place - well clear of third but no hope in hell of catching Big Col at the top.

Anyway, I`m enjoying the festivities and having a good time.

The same cannot be said of the BBC though.

I dont really ever watch TV these days, but being Christmas I`ve managed to catch a few things on BBC1 - Dr Who for example. Thing is, has anyone else seen those BBC Christmas idents? The guys rolling a giant snowball along the streets?

Notice the fact that its all made out of yellow snow?

We all know what that means.

Someone must have been bursting!

On Thursday I got a mad panic phone call from Fi. She was calling from a petrol station and was shouting down the phone that the car had just had a tyre blow out and that she had lost control of the car and started skidding across the road. Somehow she managed to get control of the car again and park it at the nearest petrol station.

It was alright, the nice man from the RAC came right tout and replaced the tyre.

Obviously the timer that I had put on the explosive devices and attached to the tyre did not work correctly as the tyre only popped when she was on a relatively minor road. If I had done my calculations correctly it would have gone off about 10 minutes later!

OK try again.

Yesterday I got another panic phone call from Fi saying that the car exhaust had come off while she was driving along another fairly minor road!

Bugg**!!!! How unlucky can i get? Instead of being rolling around in cash from the life insurance I would have inherited, I`ve had to fork out for a brand new tyre and a new exhaust pipe!

All because I got the explosives timer wrong —- twice!

Merry Christmas all!

:)

My gym, Bannatynes is running a national competition called “Calorie count” where they are tying to find out which Bannatynes club has the fittest members. There is also an internal competition to find out who is the fittest person in each club.

Basically whenever you do some exercise you tell the staff how many calories you have burned. To keep the competition open to the meat heads they are giving away 400 calories for every hour of heavy weight lifting too.

You get a t-shirt when you burn 3000 and enter a national competition after 5000. The first gym to get to 500,000 calories wins.

Now you see, my gym has 2200 members – although I reckon there are only about 50 regular members. Turns out that my gym is crap - currently lying in lowly 12th place nationwide out of 50 clubs. Terrible. Most of the people there are just throwing away their cash.

Anyway, the internal league table of the Edinburgh branch had me at 8th place last week with 4000 calories. Now keeping in mind that i was in Dundee and Aberdeen for nearly half the week last week - how bad are the rest of the folk - the other 2192 members if I can make it up to 8th place in half a week?

No wonder we`re failing to get anywhere near those champions league places. Relegation for Edinburgh branch of Bannatynes no doubt about that.

Tell you what……those other guys are just wasting their time and money.

What a bunch of wimps!

Rant over!

Nearly choked on my protein shake today.

Nope, there was not a bit of non-mashed cow at the bottom of it.

A few months ago I went out with some friends for dinner at a Chinese restaurant in Edinburgh called The Rainbow Arch. Very nice indeed it was too. Different tasting to most other Chinese I`ve had, there were things in the food the like of which I`ve never tasted before.

Now I know.

Front page article on the BBC website today:

Filthy Restaurant Fined £18,000

An Edinburgh restaurant has been fined an unprecedented £18,000 after mouse droppings were found on dishes.
An environmental health team found “filthy” conditions in the kitchen at The Rainbow Arch earlier this year.

A cellar floor was covered in wet mouldy cardboard and the inspection found “a foul black substance resembling sewage debris".

Henry Tse pleaded guilty to nine charges at the Morrison Street premises on Friday at Edinburgh Sheriff Court.

Edinburgh City Council inspectors also found an area used to cool food was close to a courtyard infested with pigeons and a drain that had overflowed.

A rice steamer was described as “filthy", knives were dirty, and food serving bowls were contaminated with mouse droppings.

Dont believe me? See for yourself.

Magical. Oh well, at least I know if the cupboards are bare then all I need is some soy sauce and a mouse.

Anyway, I now know what I want for Christmas:

Dive to the Titanic. A snip at only £28,500.

Oh alright then …. I`ll settle for a trip into space on board a Russian Foxbat.

Nearly half the price of the Titanic trip at a mere £15,999.

Sounds pretty cool too!

After a few more minutes of checks, he opens the throttles whilst still sitting on the brakes. You really are going now. The aircraft jumps forward as the brakes are released, the afterburners come on and you surge forward at breathtaking speed. After a few more seconds, smooth take off over, you accelerate to Mach 1. A couple of gentle 360 degree rolls bring a renewed surge of adrenaline and excitement. In no time at all you’re breaking the sound barrier and heading towards Mach 2. Then your pilot pulls the stick back and you shoot towards heaven. The climb to altitude is quick, within 10 minutes the voice in your headset will start counting off the kilometres, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24 and finally 25 kilometres above the earth - that’s 82,000 feet up, above 99% of the atmosphere. The sky’s black, above you only stars and the vast expanse of the universe, below you the Earth curves away, the atmosphere a thin blue line glowing on the horizon. You’re now one of the fastest travelling, highest flying humans. You can take photos and videos before your even more rapid descent, a final roll over the airfield, turn and land.

Reckon my massive Christmas bonus should easily cover a trip in the bat. Maybe even enough for seconds too!

Strange place is Dundee. As you know, last Friday I was out for a Christmas party in Dundee with some friends from University. All was going well, nice meal, plenty of rum and a good old laugh. Then we wondered into this pub somewhere on Perth Street. Things then turned interesting.

Stood there, chatting to some mates and this girl walks up to me and says something like. “Hey excuse me, are you Ian?” “Nope” I replied, with a customary smug smile and shake of my golden locks. “Are you sure?” she asks. Errr! WTF? Of course I`m blo*dy well sure of my own name “Yep, I`m sure". “Oh alright", she continued, “my name is *insert random bird name here*….” and then was cut off by this great big guerrilla fella who came storming over grabbed her and started shouting “You’re supposed to be my WIFE!!!”

Not wanting to get involved I just ignore all of it and carry on chatting with the boys.

All seemed to be forgotten when we finished our drinks and started to leave the premises. Then guerrilla man re-appeared and grabbed me by the arm.

“Hey mate, so er, do you like my wife then?”

Hang on, I aint playing that game. She’s not that hot!

“No mate, she’s a pig” I just about manage to reply before speeding off out the bar.

Classy place though Dundee.

Just back from my trip up north to Aberdeen and Dundee.

I went up to Aberdeen on Thursday morning to be on a coaching training course at the Aberdeen office of the company I work for. Friday I was also going to be in Aberdeen to give a lecture to the current crop of MSc students at Aberdeen university. Its something I do every year and always is fun.

So things were alright, but got much better when I found out that the Aberdeen office of where I work were having their Christmas party on Thursday night. Top! Managed to crash that one. Get myself a free three course meal and then help myself to the free bar. I managed to pass out on triple single malts before anyone twigged that I didn’t work there and get me escorted off the premises.

I needed to get wasted to stay in the hotel I was at. Actually, to be fair, it did have air conditioning:

and the bathroom was just lovely:

Anyway, as I said the talk to the MSc students went well. I always look forward to going back to Aberdeen and visiting the auld haunts. Kings College Aberdeen - where I studied - is a beautiful place:

After that I headed south to Dundee to meet up with the guys who I used to study with at uni. These guys started their own company after graduation and are now doing quite well.

So, as a matter of total coincidence it was their Christmas night out too. Another free Christmas meal. Top!

We each managed to get through 3/4 of a bottle of rum. Feeling good today!

Had to spend the night in Dundee though so it wasn’t all peaches and cream

No I have not misspelled the title of this blog entry

Tomorrow morning I`m off to Aberdeen for a training course called “Coaching for performance". Sounds good eh? I`m supposed to have come up with a “tangible work related problem that I am willing to be coached on by one of my colleagues". I`m sure I`ll have no end of things to say…..

Anyhow, I`m staying over night as on Friday I`m giving my annual talk to the MSc students at the university there about “programming in the real world". Its sure to be fun filled hour for all those involved. Although I am quite tempted just to run in and shout “RUN AWAY!!!! DONT DO IT!!! leave now and become a basket weaver instead!!!!”

Maybe I`ll tone it down a bit.

Anyway, I`m a little concerned about the hotel I`m staying in on the Thursday night. Turns out it is the only place left to stay in Aberdeen. Even the park benches have been booked out. Thing is see, that I booked the hotel and then read the reviews. Here is one that gives the general idea:

Although staff are very nice the hotel is not. The first room we were put in the bed tiltled towards the door as the floor had an incline on it, the second room was flat and a bit better but the bathroom had a hole in the ceiling. Although the brochure said the bar had been refurbished this was still a work in progress. The car park is a space to the rear of the hotel that holds 3 to 4 cars but it is right outside a night club.

Sounds lovely cant wait to see th……. wait a moment ……. night club you say ……. well perhaps the talk to the students the day after might be a bit more interesting after all

Its been a top week. Went out to the driving range on Thursday with a bunch of ex-colleagues. Weather conditions were not ideal - 70mph gusts - which explains why not al my shots went straight - that can be the only reason surely

My golf technique is thus — Smash it!

Others take a more subtle approach.

After golf we were off to a curry house on Victoria Street called Khushi’s . Very good indeed. In fact I`ve suggested we go there for our project Christmas night out.

On a totally different subject. this morning I was out at the Gyle shopping centre to give some moral and financial support to the Kapow team - my group from Young Enterprise Scotland who were selling their own brand of t-shirts and bags there for just one day only.

The guys were in good spirits and were hell bent on selling loads of their quality products like the bag that I bought from them:

Not very manly though so I`ll have to give it away for Christmas - Would suit Henry quite well I feel.